Joining http://wifeofasailor.com/ for another Thursday Thoughts Link up. It’s been a while since I joined, but I love this week’s word. It is very appropriate for where I am right now. The word is Purpose.
Last month I officially quit working to become a full time stay at home mom. This happened at about the same time as both my kids started school. They are both going full day this year. I have had many, many people ask me, “What do you DO all day?”
This is a decision Armydad and I made together. Right now it is just not feasible for me to work outside the home. I have to be ready to drop everything and rush Thing1 to the hospital at a moment’s notice. Both boys have therapies. Five days a week, I am shuttling and supervising therapy as soon as they get out of school. So, if I were to look for a job, these would be my requirements: work 8-2 on weekdays, have 2 Wednesdays a month off by 11 because the boys have early dismissal, miss at least one day a month for doctor visits, off work on days school is out or my kids are sick, and need 4-6 months off with a moment’s notice. See? Not possible.
So, I have been struggling with feelings of guilt. What is my purpose now? I am home alone 6 hours a day. What am I supposed to be doing then? I thought the purpose behind this was that we are supposed to do foster care. But, honestly? I am loving my kids at the age they are. I keep asking myself if I can really start over? What would I do with a baby during our million therapies and doctor visits? I have never been at a place where I was content with the thought that I could be done with 2 kids. Here lately I have been feeling like maybe I am content. Maybe this is all I want. Both my boys have needs that have to be met. I know I could handle a third child, but the thought that the child might also have needs overwhelms me. Can I handle three special needs kids? And my husband and I are both the middle of three, so we vowed to never have three. Which means, if we decide to have more, we would be talking about at least 2 more. Do I want to do that?
Maybe this is it for me. Maybe my purpose is to be a kick ass mom and advocator for these 2 boys. And you know what? I think I’m okay with that!