Why me?

This is a completely selfish post that will make me sound like an ungrateful bitch.

On our first anniversary, at the ripe, old age of 22, we started trying to get pregnant. After 2 years of trying, we realized we were not going to conceive on our own. We chose not to pursue any fertility treatments and move straight to adoption. We picked an agency, we completed a home study, we took out a loan. And, we became parents. Finally!

We knew going in to the adoption that Thing1 might have some health issues. We were okay with that.

We decided when Thing1 was 18 months old that we were ready again. We started the adoption process again. This time, we were placed with a perfectly, healthy full term baby boy with no drug or alcohol exposures.

We only made it 9 months that time before we started longing for another child. So, we became foster parents. We found a little girl. She was beautiful and sweet. We fell in love with her. We fought to become her parents, and we won that fight! She moved in and things were wonderful, for a few weeks. Then it got tough. We found out we had been misled. This beautiful little girl with no medical issues actually had documented fetal alcohol syndrome and reactive attachment disorder. We tried. We tried so hard. But, she was hurting my babies. She hurt Thing2. Every time I went to the bathroom, both boys had to go with me to ensure they were safe. We couldn’t live like that. We had to make the devastating choice to disrupt the placement.

Haven’t I dealt with enough? Most couples don’t face infertility. Most couples don’t adopt. Most couples don’t have a child with a heart condition. Most couples don’t have a child with autism. Why do we have all of these issues? Why?

I have always wanted a big family. We were hoping to have 6 kids. Now, I suspect we will have 2. I just don’t know if it is fair to bring another child into our family. That poor child would get short changed. I am already giving my all to my 2 boys. I want to give my all to more kids. But, my ‘all’ is never going to be as much as other adoptive parents would be. I don’t think I can force a child to make that sacrifice. And, it sucks.

I love my boys. I am so blessed to have them. They are the greatest gift I have ever been given. And I wouldn’t change them. Because everything they have gone through has made them into the boys they are today. I am lucky.


One thought on “Why me?

  1. Take a step back and breathe. You are still young and you can still adopt more children. Nothing says you have to do it all at once, right here, right now. Once your boys get a little older, you can try again. Your “all” will always end up being more than you expect, with each child you add to your amazing family.

    I am already longing to start the adoption process to have some older children. It is killing me to wait at least 10 more years, maybe a little less, so my children are older and can put in their thoughts and opinions on the subject (I also don’t want my future adopted children to be older than my own children, but I don’t want babies, I want the children that truly need the love my family can give…the ones who are older and are looked over because of their age).

    Right now, let your boys be your whole world. If in a few years you feel differently and feel you should try again to adopt, they will be older and they can even give you their input and you can decide together as a family. No matter what, you are definitely blessed, and they are so extremely blessed and lucky to have you and armydad as their parents! You are doing an amazing job!

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