Mother

Today is Mother’s Day.  This has always been a hard day for me.  I spent many years fighting this day and hiding from the world.  It was too painful to go to church, to a restaurant, shopping, etc.  I desperately wanted to be a mom and it was not happening for me.  Then after my kids came, I remembered those days and was also slightly overwhelmed with thoughts of my kids’ first moms.  I cannot imagine how tough this day is for them.  They love those boys so much.  They made this tough decision because they wanted their sons to have more in life.  I am blessed that they chose me to be their mom, but I also know it caused them a lot of pain to make that choice.

This year, there is another layer.  Armydad and I had decided we were ready for another child and planned to start working on it sometime in the next year.  Then the crap at OCS happened.  Now, he is making significantly less money.  When I gave my blessing for him to switch to enlisted, I also knew I was possibly giving up my dream for more kids.  At this point, I don’t see a way we can swing the adoption fees for a very long time.  I am not going to say never because things happen.  If Armydad chooses to stay in, he is going to investigate the warrant officer program.  If he chooses to leave at the end of his term, we have no idea what he will do job-wise.  So, it could still happen one day.  Just not for a long time.  And that hit me really hard today.

I am trying so hard to be content with the 2 boys God has blessed me with.  But, I don’t feel like I am finished.  I feel incomplete.  I had 2 friends make pregnancy announcements this weekend.  Both felt like sucker punches to the gut.  If I was content with my family size, I would not feel that way.

I know I am lucky.  I love my boys more than anything.  If they are the only children I ever have, I will have a blessed life.

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