Warning: if you do not like long, whiny rants, stop reading.
Why has so much stuff happened to me? To Armydad and me? To our family? Haven’t we gotten our share of adversity? Aren’t we strong enough? When do we get a break?
We started trying to get pregnant on our first wedding anniversary. 2 1/2 years later, we finally became parents. We went through infertility. We survived the adoption process, not once, but twice. (We also survived fostering and a disrupted adoption placement.) A lot of marriages don’t survive infertility. A lot of people have trouble overcoming that hurdle. It was so hard at the time. But, we are thankful now because infertility brought us our boys.
We knew from the beginning with Thing1 that we might face some obstacles. We never thought we would actually be meeting with a transplant team before he even started elementary school. Thing2 was a perfectly healthy, normal, full term baby with no exposures. Sounds perfect and easy, right? Nope. Another child with medical issues and special needs. I love my children more than life itself and would not change their existence for anything. But? We hadn’t faced enough already and needed 2 special needs kids to keep us on our toes? Again, a lot of marriages don’t survive the life with special needs kids. And a lot don’t survive losing a child, which is an event we have prepared ourselves for, because it could happen. (And I know it could happen to any family, but having a doctor look me straight in th eyes and tell me that my 4 years old’s heart could just suddenly stop one day makes you take notice and face the possibility head on.)
So, we have faced enough already, right? The hell that is infertility, the stress that accompanies adoption and foster care, the insanity that revolves around the multitude of doctors and therapists for special needs kids. It is more than most people ever have to face.
So, why in the hell are we facing yet another hurdle? Why is Armydad sitting in a building waiting another three weeks to try and test again and get into his class? How many weeks will he need to sit there? How long will he have to think about every day he is missing with Thing1, worrying that something will happen before he finishes his training?
I know there is a purpose to every plan. Right now, I am just not liking the plan we are on. I have too much to juggle. I miss my husband. He misses our kids. I want to live with him and see him. I am tempted to be mad at God and lash out, but I know this a test. And I will pass this test! I will get through this and come out stronger on the other side. Because what does not kill you, only makes you stronger. But, after this, I will be freaking Hercules, so let’s cool it with the tests and trials for a while, okay?
(This is my long, bitchy way of saying, Armydad did not make the cut today and will be waiting to try again in 3 weeks.)